I was independent, unwilling to yield my plans and goals, trapped in self-love, enslaved to the autonomy lie. I’ve written long of my disintegrated faith, depression, questions, search.

I could see God’s footprints through my life. I had a four-year degree from a Christian college, memorized dozens of verses, spent my life in church — I was sure I was God’s.

…in spite of my independence, refusal to submit, and sullen toleration of the things of God…

Then, the question.

If you could go to heaven
and have everything you ever wanted
except for God
would you be happy?

I hesitated. Knew the answer should be no… knew my answer was yes… strained for hours to find the reasoning that would get me back to No.

The bandaid ripped off. The blindfold removed. And I saw it.

Something in me was broken. Somehow, I had gotten lost. Nothing was familiar anymore. The false gods around me suddenly lost the gold veneer.

The automony was now rebellion. The arrogance was helplessness. The self-love was futile idolatry.

All my resistance and anger and fear dropped to the ground, as God’s love for us and His relentless patient pursuit of restoration rose into focus. How could I reject this God who had suffered Himself to reach me and make me whole again?

Eyes open, heart healing, everything changed.

The years-long doubt-hurricane calmed into confidence.

The arrogant cynicism dissolved into quiet peace.

The ambivalence-turning-animosity towards God and especially the Bible transformed into craving.

God has made me new.

I once was lost in darkest night
Yet thought I knew the way
The sin that promised joy and life
Had led me to the grave
I had no hope that You would own
A rebel to Your will
And if You had not loved me first
I would refuse You still

But as I ran my hell-bound race
Indifferent to the cost
You looked upon my helpless state
And led me to the cross
And I beheld God’s love displayed
You suffered in my place
You bore the wrath reserved for me
Now all I know is grace

Hallelujah! All I have is Christ
Hallelujah! Jesus is my life

© 2008 Sovereign Grace Praise (BMI), by Jordan Kauflin

holy experience