October was a difficult month for me. It was the first anniversary of Elli’s death, our oldest daughter. For reasons that still evade me, I’m struggling with a wide variety of issues, including but not limited to unreliable memory, poor sleep, low energy, inability to pray, anger, impatience, unhappiness, and discontent. And realizing this has just fed my anger and unhappiness.

Last week was particularly bad. By Friday I had to face the difficult truth that I need help. I could see what my anger and impatience was doing to our children, but at the same time I could NOT make it stop. And that just added to the misery.

Asking for help doesn’t come easily to me, as my husband will attest. It’s humbling, even embarrassing, to talk about my bad attitude, weaknesses, and failings. It also requires me to trust someone with my deepest darkest secrets. This has grown more difficult after some painful things happened in some relationships this year.

But going it alone was no longer an option. So I finally reached out.

What a blessing, already. These women have, in just a few words in just a few minutes, bathed me in grace, kindness, compassion, gentleness, and encouragement. A lot of work lies ahead. It’s probably going to hurt.  But this is the circumstance I’m in, and it will not change. I have to learn to accept and then embrace this life, and show God to be great and glorious and worthy of praise.

My hope is that working through all that is contributing to this internal collapse will grow me in ways that are impossible any other way. And that some day, all of this will serve to help and encourage someone else who is drowning even as they try to put the pieces of a loss-shattered life back together. I move forward in faith that somehow God can take this shattered, angry vessel and make something beautiful out of it.

NaNoWriMo update